Archive | June, 2011

It’s ruff ruff on the doggies…

29 Jun

I love my two Yorkshire terriers Sparticus and Buddy. When I left, it hadn’t really dawned on me that I was not just leaving the house and husband, but I was also leaving my beloved pets.

Buddy is 15 years old. That’s really old in doggie years even for a little guy. Buddy is pretty much blind and deaf now and wherever I would be in the house, that is where he’d want to be. Shaking at my feet. I think he shakes because he is confused so I’d often just pick him up and put him on my lap and carry him from room to room. Sparticus is 8 years old and totally fits his name. He races out the doggie door toward the back wire fence to bark at the deer family that lives in the creek. He totally thinks he’s super badass. He walks bow-legged even.

As of today, I’ve been out of the house for two weeks. Sort of.

A few days after I left, I made arrangements for a doggie play date so I could see them. Sparticus was overjoyed to see me and very clingy, which isn’t really his way. Buddy is just so tired all the time that he mostly slept when I was there. And I also stayed at the house last weekend when the husband went out of town. But since I was moving my things into my new place, I feel like I didn’t get to spend any quality time with either of them. As a result, every time I tried to play with Sparticus, he half-heartedly engaged and then would just sigh, walk away, and curl up on the couch cushion, looking outside the window.

He saw me packing clothes and shoes, miscellaneous kitchen things, etc and then leaving. He knows. He always knew when I was packing for a trip and I’d be gone overnight.

I know my leaving is hard on the husband, and now I know my leaving is hard on my dogs too. And while I love my dogs probably more than I love people, and miss their cute wiggly bodies jumping up on me, I’m also surprised to find that I’m sort of okay not living with them.

Or perhaps this just means I’m numb right now. We’ll see. I will say this, I’ve found that it’s nice not to be kicked by little paws during the night.

Living on the edge…

28 Jun

Thank god for friends. Or thank Facebook really.

When I left my husband and house, I hadn’t first made a plan – I was literally packed for a trip but had nowhere to go. I started running the names of all my friends through my head and weeding out the names of friends who were ‘couple friends’ when the name Juli popped in there.

Juli is a friend of mine from high school who I lost touch with at 19 and reconnected oh-like-a-nano-second-ago via Facebook. We got together ONCE for drinks about 2 months ago. But… she is so laid back and it really felt like no time had passed. So when I called and asked if I could stay for a couple weeks, there were no questions asked – she said of course. Still amazed by this. Juli and her family are abfab wonderful and welcomed me and seriously let me come and go as I needed.

I knew I needed to find some place to live though. I really only wanted something temporary while figuring out what the hell we were going to do about the assets we spent a quarter of a century building up. Plus, I had made some long-range plans to share an apartment with another long-time friend who’s moving back to Cali from Chicago in the fall.

A room with a view...

So in the end I found a room to rent closer to my work. It’s actually quite nice – it’s a furnished master bedroom that’s been walled off from the house with an unobstructed view of the valley and a private entrance. And a fridge! So I moved in over this past weekend.

And amidst some drama (a) like staying at my house while the hubby went out of town (b) a swarm of bees building a nest in my attic (c) my dog Buddy getting stung by a bee on his paw (baby is fine) – I was able to get my shit together and all moved in so I’d have a place to call my own. After all, I’ve never lived alone. Never. NEVER.

Here’s the joy: When I went shopping for groceries, for the first time I was able to only think of what I wanted and that I didn’t have to stick to what I knew. Did I like colby cheese? Hmmm. What about Laughing Cow cheese triangles? So I bought them. And it was fucking awesome. And by ‘it’ I mean the ability to try something new.

Then she left…

27 Jun

They say it aint over til the fat lady sings. Hell. The fat lady not only sang, she turned around a took a bow. It wasn’t pretty for the record.

Look, all I can tell you is that one minute, I was sorta dancing in my seat the first night in Cabo and the next I told my husband of 23 years “I don’t want to be married anymore.”

Yes. That. Blunt.

Yes. That. Brutal.

Yes. It. Had. Been. Coming. For. Years.

The short story – because I really cannot get into any specific details right now – is that I.LOST.MYSELF.  Lost me in the coupledome. I was no longer identifying with the girl I used to be. My life became all about the couple. Decisions were made together. Everything was done together, from errands and shopping to deciding what to eat and what not to wear. He became the “other half” for real and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

So I did what any other smart, clever, brilliant and successful woman would do. I waited til the first night of our Cabo San Lucas vacation to announce my intention. Oh, did I mention this trip was to celebrate his birthday? Yeah, happy fucking birthday. The first day of vacation was on June 2, 2011. I moved out on June 15, 2011.

This isn’t a picnic. But thank god for big napkins.