Independence day…

4 Jul

What does it mean to have freedom? I’ve been gone 19 days now. But I’m not sure I’m independent. Not yet.

Over these last 19 days, I’ve been doing quite a bit of social buzzing. Keeping myself very busy and distracted. I’ve seen almost all of my girlfriends for drinks and am spending time with someone who has been helping me a lot. To forget a little and to be okay.

And I'll kill my own damn spiders too...

My main reason for leaving was and is pretty simple. I didn’t feel like me anymore and yet I’m not sure who I am. I know who I used to be as a teenager and who I was as a wife, but as a woman in her forties with sudden freedom, I’m finding my possibilities are pretty damned wide open. And confusing as hell. I actually have said “I want to kill my own spiders” which is ironic since I’m renting a room in someone’s house in the hills with lots of spiders.

But here’s what else: I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to renew my love of photography. I want to take yoga and I absolutely want to resume my singing. And my laughing. And most important to me is to NOT repeat the dis-empowering behaviors of my past.

Freedom comes with a price, and for now I’m paying it living in a single room with no kitchen, but as I came through my sliding glass door this afternoon, it felt like a place where I belonged.  So today being Independence Day and I live in a world now full of freedom, I can pursue any and all of the above. And still ask for help but learn to be independent.

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5 Responses to “Independence day…”

  1. Crazydoesit July 4, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    I am going through something similar. I finally got my ex of 17 years to move out. He was a horrible husband and I became slowly over time, a shadow of who I know I am. Never again I tell you! Be strong, I know there are rough days ahead. I am already happier and feel more peace. Can’t go wrong with that! I’m raising a glass to toast you in our first “Independence Day”… Much love. Xo

    • Lisa July 4, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

      Thank you baby girl for your support! It is scary and exhilarating at the same time. I would love to hear your story…

  2. kim July 5, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

    Lisa this was so great to read!!!!

  3. Nicki July 6, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    I went through this when I decided to divorce my husband. I was lonely with him, but wanted a chance at happiness. It was worth the risk.

    Thinking of you, girl! Let me be there for you.

    Big hugs.

  4. shoutabyss July 12, 2011 at 6:06 am #

    Believe it or not, I’ve gone through something similar. One Friday evening my wife of eight years and I had a very quiet disagreement about something. We paused, looked at each other, and both knew. It had ended. I said, “This is over, isn’t it?” She agreed. It was eerie how easily and quietly it all went down. It had been coming for some time.

    By Monday morning she went to a paralegal and I went apartment hunting. By Wednesday we signed the divorce papers. (Nothing was contested.) By Friday, exactly one week after the disagreement, the divorce was final and signed by a judge and I had the keys to my new home.

    Talk about a shock to the system. The next year of my life was the biggest adjustment period I had ever gone through. When I started out I had no dining room table/chairs, no couch, no bed and no silverware. It was a rough time.

    I know that even when you’re doing what needs to be done it can be hard. As long as you’re taking care of yourself, though, it eventually will all work out.

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