Don’t hate me…

11 Aug

This sentiment has been bouncing around my blonde head for exactly eleven weeks like a ping pong game, or maybe a game of just pong. Thudding its way back and forth, back and forth with mind numbing delirium.

DON’T HATE ME. I’ve said it out loud to all my former friends, to my estranged husband, to my family. The family forgives, the friends move on, the husband does not. So I say it over and over again, willing him to not hate me. To talk to me. To allow us both to move on.

It takes two to fuck up a marriage. Don’t ever assume because I left that I am the villain, yet most people do. Let me clarify: the people who know ME AS THE WIFE think I’ve lost my marbles and want nothing to do with this new woman who broke up the coupledome. I’m a paraya – insensitive and selfish. Right?

No. Not. Right. I’m getting tired of feeling the need for people not to hate me. Not to judge me. I’m now starting to find myself saying “Go right ahead and do your thing, judge away.

Because at the end of the day, when I’m taking off my makeup and looking at myself in the mirror, unmasked and vulnerable, I do so knowing that I’m living my life and what’s left of it. Finding amazing things about myself and my strength I never would have had I not left, and feeling excited about how I’m changing and seeing things.

So to those who hate me (or women like me) – find a mirror. Strip everything away. And then look yourself in the unmasked eye and see yourself. Do you hate what you see?

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6 Responses to “Don’t hate me…”

  1. Kim August 11, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    I’m sorry for the pain you have endured and appreciate your honesty. No one knows what goes on in homes. No one knows the pain that is endured. True friends will stay by your side. And you have twitter friends cheering you on.

    • Lisa August 12, 2011 at 10:17 am #

      Thank you Kimberly. You’re a doll!

  2. madtante August 12, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    I don’t have anything to help but being perfectly honest with yourself is important. I admire anybody who does that!

    • Lisa August 12, 2011 at 10:18 am #

      Honesty is very hard – I find myself lying to ME a lot. I’m trying to knock that shit off!

  3. shoutabyss August 13, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    You touched on one thing that often gets overlooked. Blood is always thicker than water. I was “family” with the in-laws for a very long time, but after the divorce I was suddenly persona non grata. I never heard a peep from any of them ever again. And it had absolutely nothing to do with right and wrong or any facts about how it all went down. It’s just automatic side taking to the extreme of ostracizing by default. Here today, gone tomorrow. You don’t even get to find out what was said about you. It’s just over.

  4. Nicki August 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm #

    I’ve been there, done that. I know exactly what you’re going through. I lost many friends. Even though people knew my now ex as a lying cheating slimeball, I was still a jerk for leaving and not sticking it out. Best move I ever made.

    Don’t worry. I’ll love you through it no matter what.

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