Tag Archives: defining me

A new life…

3 Jan

I took the past year off. From a lot of things. From my music to singing to guitar. From things that made me happy. Like writing. I didn’t do this on purpose of course. I did it without even thinking. It’s been a year. A lot has changed in the past year. And in many ways, nothing has changed.

My e-pen to e-paper writing skills are still a bit e-rusty, so this post should be short. Sweet perhaps, but maybe a bit salty too.

My beloved mother passed away on 12/27/13 – for those of you that haven’t read or knew about this – just recapping. She was quite a woman. Solid, humorous, outrageous – with a huge sparkly personality only outmatched by her love of huge sparkly jewelry. I did sing at her service, and while (to me) it was out of tune, and I sang through tears in my throat, it was really just for her. And it was OK. The rain that January day let up enough for us to send balloons up to greet her. The message on my balloon was simple: “I’ll never forget you.”

On Memorial Day, I planted the seed paper we gave at the service along with her ash dust. On Labor Day, she bloomed.

Mom flowers
Us 006Rockstar stood next to me at every change.

Held me close and made me believe in hope.

His life took an amazing turn in 2014. With his life rising from the ashes, my phoenix and I made plans to start ours afresh.

We took the next step and moved in together just after our 3rd year anniversary trip to Hawaii in June.

Since then, we’ve settled into “new couple” patterns. You know, kissing and cuddling, bickering over chores, cooking together, and dog duty.

The usual shenanigans. It’s been a hell of a ride. A good one. A very happy one!

I spent most of the summer getting a tattoo of all things. It all started when I decided to tattoo my mom’s thumbprint somewhere and ended with a pretty big back piece. Ain’t gonna lie, this hurt a LOT. The thumbprint is actually inside a frame on my lower left thigh.

After I sold my mother’s house, and paid off her debt, and split what remained, I started asking myself what I should do with my share. What she would want me to do. Well, she’d want me to invest in a face lift, I’M SURE, but that’s just not my way. However, Botox is something that I can always get behind.

She always said she loved talking with me about stuff because I always listened to her and gave her good advice. I think she’d be proud that I’m using her legacy to go back to school to get a degree in Psychology. I start on Monday (Jan 5). Wish me luck because while I took the past year off from some things, work isn’t one of them.

2015 will bring a lot of change for me. I turn 50 this year. I have wonderful friends who fill my life with laughter. I have the most loving man whose smile lights up my day. I have memories, voice mails, and maybe a video or two of my mom and while I can’t quite yet listen or watch, they are there for me when I’m ready. In the meantime, I can and will squeeze every ounce of life from and to this life I have now.

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My voice within…

25 Sep

About a week ago, after several days of not eating properly, I decided to make dinner. I felt somewhat up to it. Lately, food has just been ‘meh’ for me. So I grilled myself a piece of fish and made a salad. It was tasty, but I wasn’t very hungry. But Sparky was, so I shared.

Afterward, he was restless, and who could blame him. I was being quite the mole over those past two weeks. So we left the condo for yet another mini-walk around the block.

He knows the route – out the door, to the left, down the walkway… A couple doors down, he starts to bark. Embarrassed, I apologize to the neighbor for my little “Barky”, but it wasn’t actually my neighbor, it was in fact, my ex-boyfriend, Rock. I double-take. Then, as only I can do, when faced with incredible stress, start to laugh. Not full on belly laughs, just nervous giggles. First, I was looking glamorous in my lounge pants, no makeup, hair in a bun. Second, I had major facial bruises from some novcane shots in my upper and lower jaws. And third, the shock of seeing him had me a bit freaked out.

Me: through giggles still “Why are you here?”

Rock: (Seriously, I have no idea what he said at that point). His eyes widened when he saw my face and through my final giggles, assured him it wasn’t what he thought.

All I really know is this. He looked haunted. Sad. Way too thin. He wanted answers about what changed in our relationship. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I invited him inside so we could talk – he reluctantly agreed. I offered him a drink, but he only wanted water. It felt very polite, yet impossibly awkward. I tried to explain what had been going on in my head, but even to me, it made little sense.

It doesn’t matter what our conversation was; there would be no answers that would help him. He believes I’m once again in a pattern with men. His insight is that I became bored with the hubby and rather than talk about what was wrong and working on fixing it, I simply left. And I’ve done that again with him. And apparently worse is that he doesn’t think I even know what I’m doing.

It made me stop and think. Am I really repeating the same pattern over and over? Will I change? Have I changed? I know I am complicated – I own that. And I know I’m a mess inside. I guess I’m a bit like a set of Matyroshka dolls these days, hiding many versions of myself within. Take the time to get me to open up, you’ll find another puzzle inside to solve. Point is: It’s my turn to figure me out. Plain and simple.

I know what I don’t know. But I know what I know as well. And my hope is this: my inner selves have their shit together. Each facet of me knows what we need and want. Soon, we all will.

And the little one inside… she knows what she’s doing. I trust her. She’s not just my core, she’s my soul. She is whispering to the others, reminding us what and who we are. I like her.

My inner voice is tatted and has angel wings to guide her journey...

My inner voice is tatted and has angel wings to guide her journey…

My voice within…

Don’t cry
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

A thousand words…

30 Jun

With the divorce underway, and decisions on how we’ll split the assets agreed upon, it was time to put the house up for sale.  The ex did all the heavy lifting with getting the house ready, finding the realtor, and putting it up on the market.  In fact, when it sold, he did all the packing and moving.

He let me take whatever I wanted of course, but naturally, I didn’t want the photo albums of our 23 years together.

So when he said “hey there are a lot of cool pics in there, lets get them converted to digital!” I said “okay!”.  But the catch was, I’d have to get them converted, and he’d pay me half. Sounded reasonable…

Until I sat down with the albums and started going through them. I flipped through page after page of pictures of happier times, viewed through my tear filled eyes. I think I got through 5 pages before taking them back to the garage.

For the past year, I’ve kept one photo of he and I framed and hung on my photo wall. It’s of a time when we were last truly happy. We had just bought our vacation home in the mountains and were golfing that afternoon. We were leaving in a few days to go on a three week trip to Spain. Life was grand back then and we felt blessed for what we had and our future together.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. I suppose that’s true. Maybe one day, I’ll be ready to hear them again. For now, they need to be left in that dusty corridor of my memory for now.

Happier times - thankful for them...

Happier times – thankful for them, but still…

Untying the knot…

26 Jun

After 23 years of marriage, I filed for divorce this past February. Like all before me who’ve done this, at times I feel in equal measures sad, relieved, inspired and scared.

Image

The process is fucking hard. With each document that needs to be filed, it’s like a part of me is being ripped out and laid on the ground for the world to see what a crumpled mess I am.

Ending the marriage opens the door for someone else to walk in – both ways. While I have someone in my life that is amazing and whom I love, the thought of my soon-to-be-ex husband re-marrying bothers me. For reasons I haven’t quite processed through yet.

I’m prepared for the ongoing roller coaster of emotions to wash over me like a tidal wave. And keep reminding myself that as I start over, I don’t leave the parts of me behind that matter, and that includes the parts from my past that are painful, but I know that I get to take the parts of ME that matter. And that’s the point.

Wordless Wednesday

14 Aug

Serenity in the desert…

This is what the doctor prescribed and I’m going to take my medication as directed. I leave next week…

Murder, She Wrote…

19 Apr

Summoned to jury duty this past Monday, all I could think about was “how the hell am I gonna get out of this?” My lady boss just quit a week ago, my Executive Director asked me if I’d be interested in being considered for her job, and frankly, I’ve got a shitload on my hands (no pun) to deal with.

I was in for the rudest awakening EVUH. First off, I had no idea what jury duty actually was. I was only ever called once to municipal court and they pled out, so WOO HOO, day off for moi!

So as I arrived at the Superior Court building, I figured I’d sit in some room, waiting to be called and then dismissed. It didn’t quite turn out this way. You see, I was in the first group of 123 citizens that day and was selected as candidate #13.

I joked that I was unlucky #13. Which is fucking true, because the jury consists of 12 jurors and 3 alternates. As day 2 wore on, several candidates were recused, leaving me, unlucky #13 to take my new “seat.” In the goddamned jury box. Juror #8.

By the end of day 2 of the jury selection process, 23 more would be recused and the rotating jury box seats would be vacated and refilled until the defense attorney and prosecutor agreed on the jury.

Murder was the case that they gave me...

Now, I’m not often chosen for kickball or other sports, so I was a bit surprised that I was still sitting in the front row of the jury box, in the second seat, when the judge announced that the jury was set.

Trial begins on Monday. As you know, I’m sworn not to discuss the case or specifics. I won’t Google it, or further educate myself on any matters related to criminal law. My role is clear. To be the fact finder in listening to the evidence. To render a verdict.

The only thing I will tell you – this is murder case.

And as my career is now on trial, being judged, weighed and argued, I risk losing my promotion. On the other hand, the life of the defendant, and the justice for the victim outweigh anything else.

I am proud to have been selected and take this extremely seriously. I will be writing nightly, but not publicly, about how this is changing me. Because surely it will. How can it not? When the trial is over, I will publish my experience.

2011 in review…

31 Dec

If this was 2011, what the fuck will 2012 have in store?

Fuckety McMutherfucker. Yes, I just said that. And it fits the year in review.

Started out 2011 proclaiming I will rock my inner Xena, not taking shit anymore and fighting with some badass gladiator heels to boot.

I had drinks with a dildo model, started questioning everything, shared a shockingly funny story involving a big ole black dong, got my stilettos posted on a vodka website, went to a charity ski event and table top danced with a hot, young actor, found out some guys think it’s perfectly okay to share erectile dysfunction over morning coffee, told everyone how I got my brother arrested, and how my friend has a dominatrix in the family.

And that was all BEFORE I ran away from home in June.

Since then, I put BoldlyMocking on hiatus and created this blog, as a way to share my rebirth.

So since I left, here’s what’s been going on:

  1. I crashed with Juli for a week
  2. I realized I didn’t just leave my husband, I left my dogs
  3. I started dating the Rockstar
  4. I moved into a room in someone’s house, without a kitchen mind you
  5. I started paying attention to everyday sounds, like traffic, and wind
  6. I realized I didn’t mind killing my own spiders, but I still don’t like it
  7. I decided I was spiritual, if you can call reading my Sagittarius horoscope spiritual
  8. I realized I hate night sweats, and errratic visits from Aunt Flo
  9. I saw my doctor about sharp pains in my head and realized I wasn’t actually crazy
  10. I got lost on a hike and realized it was okay
  11. I decided I didn’t hate cigars
  12. I wanted an urban lifestyle
  13. I decided the urban lifestyle came with drawbacks and homeless people
  14. I moved into a suburban 790 sq foot condo with out-dated appliances
  15. I defended myself against the friends who judged me unfairly
  16. I found out the hubby is dating (and she’s an ‘older-shorter-fluffy-36D-girl’)
  17. I bought some risque “stuff” online and my neighbors received it
  18. I started to find myself despite the chaos
  19. I realized the hubby is still not ready to talk to me not to mention see my face
  20. I decided I quite like that the Rockstar is living on a sailboat in the SF Bay
  21. I moved into a 790 sq foot condo with fanfuckingtastic appliances

Thanksgiving and Christmas were special to me this year. Both were relaxed events, unlike the past and as I laid my head on my Mom’s lap on Christmas night, I felt a sense of peace and calm I can’t remember ever feeling.

I’m still scared. Having been married to the hubby for almost a quarter of a century, every experience feels bittersweet. Even now as I type this, I think back to 1:45p today, when the Rockstar and I were on our way to the cabin and we passed the hubby and his girlfriend. Picture slow-mo heads turning and eyebrows raised.

If I had one word to describe 2011 it would have to be REMARKABLE.