Tag Archives: friends

It’s judgment day…

14 Aug

Although the ex-hubby and I have acquired a lot of property and assets (and debts), we agreed early on about how we would split the goods. And because we’ve been friendly during this whole time, we decided to forego mediators or divorce attorneys. After all, I’m very good at filling out forms, right?! I mean, how hard could it be to check some boxes, document the decisions, and be done with it?

California law mandates that a divorce cannot be final until a minimum of six months and one day has passed. In my mind, that felt like a short amount of time – but also like I had a lot of time! I should have kept a log of how many times I visited the court. How many hours I spent sitting on a hard bench waiting for my number to be called. How many times I had to amend my amended documents.

Now I understand why people hire others to do that shit for them. I’m wicked smart, but oh good gawd, did I make mistakes! This whole process also has also been more of an after thought for me – I agreed to do all of the paperwork and out of respect, I moved the process along as fast as my busy schedule would allow.

So I was surprised by what happened today. Since I filed all the right documents after countless tries, I was eligible to go to the court today and attend a workshop that would help me finish the process. Two hours with someone who would guide me through the right boxes to check – how easy would that be?

Actually, it was very easy – what was hard was sitting in a room hearing the other petitioners feeling joy over their upcoming freedom dates. The facilitator actually filled out a “cheat sheet” for each of us, identifying significant facts, like the date we filed, the date we separated, whether we had agreements or disputes. When I looked down and saw the date she wrote for me, for my judgment date, I choked up. Then I started tearing up. I didn’t have any tissue and there was none around. I mean, I guess they wouldn’t have tissue in this room, because after all, most petitioners are relieved and excited about being ‘free’.

I took my glasses off, carefully, but not surreptitiously, wipes the tears away from my eyes. I refused to look around and see if anyone was looking at me. I didn’t want to spoil their happiness with my sorrow.

I left him.

I chose this.

I didn’t want to be married anymore.

So why was I so upset? I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m still not ready for it to be over. Knowing that my last bond with such a wonderful man will end soon. Sooner than I thought.  And then what? Is he really out of my life? Weird how I’m looking forward to all the aftermath paperwork of title transfers, quit claims, and whatever else is needed to finish the process. Having been married to him for so long, I guess I want to prolong the inevitable.

Tomorrow, we will meet and sign our marital settlement agreement. It’ll be the last time I see him before he is free. I am not ready to think of myself as free, because my ghosts haunt me.

Judgment day is expected to be next Thursday, August 22. Or as I am now thinking of it: D-Day.Happily never after


Sharing the B-Love…

20 Aug

I am truly honored and blessed by such a wonderful blog community here at WordPress. You have liked me, commented on my journey, and many of you are following me like the train wreck I am.

So it’s with pure amazement that I tell you this – I was nominated for an award by Jodie Ambrose last week! Me!

It’s called the You Make Me Shine award and I’m just tinkled pink and swathed in curls and bows over being acknowledged in this fashion.

I started writing this blog to see how my recent separation was shaping decisions I was making. Like washing my hair, would I RINSE the soap out or would I REPEAT the process. So to find a group of people who get me, who like reading about my journey, and even award me for it, is just pure awesome sauce on top of a stack of chocolate chip pancakes!

Now – in the spirit of all things bloggy goodness, here’s how awards work…

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their site.
  2. Nominate other people (you choose how many–whatever makes you happy).
  3. Write some bad ass things about yourself.

So here goes… My list of bloggers who deserve your attention, love, and devotion:

Blog Dramedy

Under the Kitchen Table

Suddenly (not so) Single Journey

Shouts from the Abyss

Staked in the Heart

As for some tidbits and insights into what makes me tick. Let’s see:

1) I work in website development which means I’m part geek-girl.

2) I live 10 minutes from where I work and I still can’t get to work by 9am.

3) I talk for my little Yorkie, Sparticus, because I know exactly what he wants to say but can’t form the words, what with being a dog and all.

4) My mom is 71 years young and says the best things to me, like “honey, don’t say pussy, I prefer va-jay-jay.”

5) I just bought a high-heeled red shoe door stopper. Because I can.

And if you like this blog, you may like my others as well. Feel free to check out Boldly Mocking and Life and Love After 40.

And thanks again to Jodie Ambrose for my nod. I feel like Sally Fields at the Oscars. 🙂

Full of hope…

24 Feb

So the hubby and I are finally, after 8 months, splitting the expenses and some of the income. Yep, we’ve maintained joint checking, savings and credit cards, which was uber-fun during the holidays to see various expenditures he made for his girlfriend. You know, at places like Victoria’s Secret and Lingerie.com.

Of course, nothing could prepare me to actually seeing the lingerie in the flesh so to speak – my bad, I should never have gone into the spare bathroom that day.

Fade to black…

All the travel sized toiletries are kept in the spare bathroom. Since I started traveling again, I decided to raid the coffers at the house. As I enter the bathroom, the counter is littered with bags filled with all sorts of goodies, from lingerie, to cologne, to fur lined boots and jacket.

How do I know this you ask? I freaking peeked of course. I am after all, a GIRL. I really hope his girlfriend likes the lingerie and stuffz that I bought her.

So this had me step up and push a bit harder to separate our money – and this reminded me… WE HAD MONEY STUFFED INTO THE MATTRESS. Well, not the mattress, but hidden in the attic. Bingo!! Time to divvy the greenbacks.

At the same time, we both agreed, it’s time we used some of the Amex rewards points. Might as well 🙂

So the hubby decided to use some of his points on a fancy trip. But he needed more points than his portion provided. Aha! He asks me to sell him my points. Sure thing I told him, if he wants to give me some cash from his portion of the funds from the attic, I’m all in!

So last week, he came by with a wad of Franklin’s and I decide now is the time to get that new tattoo I said I’d get once things got stable post break-up.

Mine is prettier though 🙂

And I did! A 3″ Zibu Angelic symbol representing Hope.

You see, I am hopeful. And grateful too (but there was no symbol for gratitude or I would have done that.) The hubby and I are friends. We have laughed together and share a history and hopefully a future. Not as a couple, of course, but as good friends.

I have lots of hope. For health, wealth, happiness, friendship. Oh and for a pair of Louboutin’s and shiny hair. Because I am after all, a GIRL.

Now we’re friends…

17 Jan

January 15 was the seven month mark. It’s been seven months since I ran away from home. I haven’t seen or talked to the hubby in person since then.

So we agreed to meet, have a drink, figure out what’s going on. I call this the “temperature check”. Kind of like sticking a dry thermometer up your butt. Painful but will prove how you’re really feeling.

So last night, we met half-way at a restaurant and while initially awkward, we both quickly warmed up to sharing funny stories and laughing. We even toasted “to being friends.” Hell, he even shared some funny stories about his dating experiences.

Leaving our home, our dogs, our life, our friends was hard enough for me. Losing my best friend in the process was downright painful.

I’ve often fantasized that one day, I’ll pick up the dogs and the hubby and I will sit at the kitchen counter, drink a glass of wine, and catch up with the other. I honestly can say that I think this actually may come true.

As we hugged goodbye and he repeated how glad he is that we can be friends, I couldn’t believe my good fortune. As he put it in an email today, it’s like a huge burden has been lifted.

I never meant to hurt him. And now that he’s moving on and yet wants to be friends makes me feel that while we are no longer us (the couple), we can still be us (the friends) – and that’s incredibly special.

2011 in review…

31 Dec

If this was 2011, what the fuck will 2012 have in store?

Fuckety McMutherfucker. Yes, I just said that. And it fits the year in review.

Started out 2011 proclaiming I will rock my inner Xena, not taking shit anymore and fighting with some badass gladiator heels to boot.

I had drinks with a dildo model, started questioning everything, shared a shockingly funny story involving a big ole black dong, got my stilettos posted on a vodka website, went to a charity ski event and table top danced with a hot, young actor, found out some guys think it’s perfectly okay to share erectile dysfunction over morning coffee, told everyone how I got my brother arrested, and how my friend has a dominatrix in the family.

And that was all BEFORE I ran away from home in June.

Since then, I put BoldlyMocking on hiatus and created this blog, as a way to share my rebirth.

So since I left, here’s what’s been going on:

  1. I crashed with Juli for a week
  2. I realized I didn’t just leave my husband, I left my dogs
  3. I started dating the Rockstar
  4. I moved into a room in someone’s house, without a kitchen mind you
  5. I started paying attention to everyday sounds, like traffic, and wind
  6. I realized I didn’t mind killing my own spiders, but I still don’t like it
  7. I decided I was spiritual, if you can call reading my Sagittarius horoscope spiritual
  8. I realized I hate night sweats, and errratic visits from Aunt Flo
  9. I saw my doctor about sharp pains in my head and realized I wasn’t actually crazy
  10. I got lost on a hike and realized it was okay
  11. I decided I didn’t hate cigars
  12. I wanted an urban lifestyle
  13. I decided the urban lifestyle came with drawbacks and homeless people
  14. I moved into a suburban 790 sq foot condo with out-dated appliances
  15. I defended myself against the friends who judged me unfairly
  16. I found out the hubby is dating (and she’s an ‘older-shorter-fluffy-36D-girl’)
  17. I bought some risque “stuff” online and my neighbors received it
  18. I started to find myself despite the chaos
  19. I realized the hubby is still not ready to talk to me not to mention see my face
  20. I decided I quite like that the Rockstar is living on a sailboat in the SF Bay
  21. I moved into a 790 sq foot condo with fanfuckingtastic appliances

Thanksgiving and Christmas were special to me this year. Both were relaxed events, unlike the past and as I laid my head on my Mom’s lap on Christmas night, I felt a sense of peace and calm I can’t remember ever feeling.

I’m still scared. Having been married to the hubby for almost a quarter of a century, every experience feels bittersweet. Even now as I type this, I think back to 1:45p today, when the Rockstar and I were on our way to the cabin and we passed the hubby and his girlfriend. Picture slow-mo heads turning and eyebrows raised.

If I had one word to describe 2011 it would have to be REMARKABLE.

Don’t hate me…

11 Aug

This sentiment has been bouncing around my blonde head for exactly eleven weeks like a ping pong game, or maybe a game of just pong. Thudding its way back and forth, back and forth with mind numbing delirium.

DON’T HATE ME. I’ve said it out loud to all my former friends, to my estranged husband, to my family. The family forgives, the friends move on, the husband does not. So I say it over and over again, willing him to not hate me. To talk to me. To allow us both to move on.

It takes two to fuck up a marriage. Don’t ever assume because I left that I am the villain, yet most people do. Let me clarify: the people who know ME AS THE WIFE think I’ve lost my marbles and want nothing to do with this new woman who broke up the coupledome. I’m a paraya – insensitive and selfish. Right?

No. Not. Right. I’m getting tired of feeling the need for people not to hate me. Not to judge me. I’m now starting to find myself saying “Go right ahead and do your thing, judge away.

Because at the end of the day, when I’m taking off my makeup and looking at myself in the mirror, unmasked and vulnerable, I do so knowing that I’m living my life and what’s left of it. Finding amazing things about myself and my strength I never would have had I not left, and feeling excited about how I’m changing and seeing things.

So to those who hate me (or women like me) – find a mirror. Strip everything away. And then look yourself in the unmasked eye and see yourself. Do you hate what you see?

Independence day…

4 Jul

What does it mean to have freedom? I’ve been gone 19 days now. But I’m not sure I’m independent. Not yet.

Over these last 19 days, I’ve been doing quite a bit of social buzzing. Keeping myself very busy and distracted. I’ve seen almost all of my girlfriends for drinks and am spending time with someone who has been helping me a lot. To forget a little and to be okay.

And I'll kill my own damn spiders too...

My main reason for leaving was and is pretty simple. I didn’t feel like me anymore and yet I’m not sure who I am. I know who I used to be as a teenager and who I was as a wife, but as a woman in her forties with sudden freedom, I’m finding my possibilities are pretty damned wide open. And confusing as hell. I actually have said “I want to kill my own spiders” which is ironic since I’m renting a room in someone’s house in the hills with lots of spiders.

But here’s what else: I want to learn to play the guitar. I want to renew my love of photography. I want to take yoga and I absolutely want to resume my singing. And my laughing. And most important to me is to NOT repeat the dis-empowering behaviors of my past.

Freedom comes with a price, and for now I’m paying it living in a single room with no kitchen, but as I came through my sliding glass door this afternoon, it felt like a place where I belonged.  So today being Independence Day and I live in a world now full of freedom, I can pursue any and all of the above. And still ask for help but learn to be independent.