Tag Archives: heartbreak

Moths and flames…

2 Sep

When I filed the final divorce papers, something inside me clicked. It was a very freeing experience; like a physical weight being lifted off my shoulders. I hadn’t even recognized that I was carrying something so heavy around.

This sense of freedom had me a bit undone. It wasn’t just about the ex-hubby however. I started to recognize that my current relationship with Rock wasn’t exactly right anymore.

He subscribes to this blog and I, in no way, want to hurt him. He’d been such a powerful force in my life. I decided I needed to go back to the beginning and ask the hard questions about what it was the drew me so quickly and so completely and what changed for me now.

In the beginning

We met through a mutual friend on Twitter of all places. We struck up an easy rapport via text and discovered we had much in common, from what foods we liked to what we did for a living. Our first phone conversation lasted over 5 hours! When we met in person for the first time, I think I gave it all of 15 seconds before I dove right in and kissed his socks off. The zsa zsa zou was off the freaking charts!

Then things changed

The passion and lust was still there but there were serious problems that lead us to continually break up. I found myself in a horrible pattern of forgiving him, for reasons I will not share here. Each time I took him back, something chipped away at my trust. This lead me to doubt not just him, but me as well. I found myself living in fear that it was only a matter of time before it all imploded again.

Over the early part of the summer, we had several fights that made me question more consciously why it was so easy for me to discard him. I didn’t like that about me but as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I sometimes fail to see the signs and course correct until it’s too late. I knew I was lost once again, and yet, I didn’t know how to go back or how to go forward.

Rinse or Repeat

I created this blog to explore how my suddenly single (after 23 years of marriage) world would be different. Would I continue to make the same mistakes I had made in my marriage? It turns out, with Rock, I made the same mistakes as when I was married. Knowing something wasn’t as it should be and ignoring or not allowing my feelings to be recognized until it was too late.

Breaking up is hard to do – how cliche, but still true. This man loved me with his whole being. When we broke up, he told me he didn’t believe that I ever really loved him. That he felt I held back. I suppose that is very true. I think I did hold back. And if he is reading this post, I hope he knows how very sorry I am.

Chemistry. Zsa zsa zou, intense attraction. Whatever you want to call it, we had it.

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Dangerous allure

Dangerous allure

Recently, I was talking to someone about this mysterious chemistry that attracts one to another. You might meet someone who is beautiful, approach them and find this immediate attraction that makes you want to rip their clothes off. You then meet another equally beautiful person, strike up a conversation and pffft, nothing. Why is that?

People often refer to this intense attraction with the analogy of a moth being drawn to a flame. Moths are compelled toward the light, even to their own demise. I suppose like moths and flames, we are sometimes drawn to something so over-powering, so all consuming, that we don’t recognize how dangerous it will be.