Tag Archives: just breathe

A new life…

3 Jan

I took the past year off. From a lot of things. From my music to singing to guitar. From things that made me happy. Like writing. I didn’t do this on purpose of course. I did it without even thinking. It’s been a year. A lot has changed in the past year. And in many ways, nothing has changed.

My e-pen to e-paper writing skills are still a bit e-rusty, so this post should be short. Sweet perhaps, but maybe a bit salty too.

My beloved mother passed away on 12/27/13 – for those of you that haven’t read or knew about this – just recapping. She was quite a woman. Solid, humorous, outrageous – with a huge sparkly personality only outmatched by her love of huge sparkly jewelry. I did sing at her service, and while (to me) it was out of tune, and I sang through tears in my throat, it was really just for her. And it was OK. The rain that January day let up enough for us to send balloons up to greet her. The message on my balloon was simple: “I’ll never forget you.”

On Memorial Day, I planted the seed paper we gave at the service along with her ash dust. On Labor Day, she bloomed.

Mom flowers
Us 006Rockstar stood next to me at every change.

Held me close and made me believe in hope.

His life took an amazing turn in 2014. With his life rising from the ashes, my phoenix and I made plans to start ours afresh.

We took the next step and moved in together just after our 3rd year anniversary trip to Hawaii in June.

Since then, we’ve settled into “new couple” patterns. You know, kissing and cuddling, bickering over chores, cooking together, and dog duty.

The usual shenanigans. It’s been a hell of a ride. A good one. A very happy one!

I spent most of the summer getting a tattoo of all things. It all started when I decided to tattoo my mom’s thumbprint somewhere and ended with a pretty big back piece. Ain’t gonna lie, this hurt a LOT. The thumbprint is actually inside a frame on my lower left thigh.

After I sold my mother’s house, and paid off her debt, and split what remained, I started asking myself what I should do with my share. What she would want me to do. Well, she’d want me to invest in a face lift, I’M SURE, but that’s just not my way. However, Botox is something that I can always get behind.

She always said she loved talking with me about stuff because I always listened to her and gave her good advice. I think she’d be proud that I’m using her legacy to go back to school to get a degree in Psychology. I start on Monday (Jan 5). Wish me luck because while I took the past year off from some things, work isn’t one of them.

2015 will bring a lot of change for me. I turn 50 this year. I have wonderful friends who fill my life with laughter. I have the most loving man whose smile lights up my day. I have memories, voice mails, and maybe a video or two of my mom and while I can’t quite yet listen or watch, they are there for me when I’m ready. In the meantime, I can and will squeeze every ounce of life from and to this life I have now.

The Hollywood kiss…

2 Nov

Four years ago, my best friend lost her mother – as in, she died. Long struggle with brain cancer. She wanted me and the hubby there as support so of course we went.

It was there I met HIM the first time. HE was her brother’s best friend. Like me, HE was married too. We sat next to each other and over idle chit chat, we found a love of fine wine and good food. And maybe more, but we were both married at the time.

Fast forward two years.

I met HIM again at his best friend’s (my best friend’s brother’s) fall music festival in Sonoma. HE was now divorced, and I was recently separated. We caught up on each other’s failed marriages and found some laughter. But since I was dating Rock at the time, that’s all there was.

Fast forward two years.

About a month ago, I returned to the fall music festival in Sonoma with a group of girls and HE was there. Single. And so was I. Single.

We connected. Kissed. Laughed. Talked. Shared good wine, and good food. Over some Pad Thai, and later some Paella, we talked about us. The trouble with this one is this – he lives in Hollywood. I live in the burbs of San Francisco.

That afternoon, we agreed to see where this would lead. For starters, he would bring me to his neck of the woods and we would go from there. About a week later, we agreed on the weekend and he sent me a ticket.

I wasn’t nervous. At least, not until that morning, when all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I was going to visit a man I barely knew for two nights and he was, well, living amongst the rich and famous. Since he was my best friend’s brother by choice (she grew up knowing him), I wasn’t worried in any other regard.

Kiss me like you mean it...

Kiss me like you mean it…

When I arrived, he gave me what I lovingly refer to as a Hollywood kiss – you know the kind… Bags drop, full embrace, lips lock. It was very nice. Smiling still, thinking about it.

His plan for the first night was to bring me to his place, meet his cute little puppy, have a martini, then go to a swanky little French restaurant on Sunset. So up we go, through various canyons and into the hills. He happens to live in the Hollywood Hills you see, and since I’m not really sure what that meant before going there, let me tell you… Stars live there. As we pass Kanye West’s abode, with security crew outside, I start to realize what I might have got myself into. You see, HE lives a few doors down.

After a stiff martini, he opens a lovely bottle of french wine. It speaks to me as I’m a huge wine whore. And it relaxes me. But alas, we must leave his surreal digs and venure out to dinner. As we passed the Chateau Marmont, the Viper Room, and yes, the Pink Taco, all within minutes of his home, I started to feel this was still as surreal as I thought.

Over oysters and more wine, we meet two lovely older ladies and laughed and took pictures. Now, this is what I’m used to. Having silly fun and being me. It was a wonderful night and it felt very special.

The next morning, I awakened without the dreaded red wine hang over. Yay me! He was making breakfast for us, and I promised, while I’m not a huge morning eater, I would definitely try what he made. He made sweet potato pancakes with creme fraische and caviar and heirloom tomatoes with burrata cheese. WHAT’S NOT LOVE THERE??? Except I could only eat half, because, well, I don’t eat that much in the morning.

For lunch, he drove us up the coast to Malibu. He’s still regretting his choice of fried food, but we spent the entire time both on the drive and in the place laughing and talking. Afterward, we went to a swanky bar for a martini on the ocean and met some wonderful couple celebrating her birthday.

When we got back to his place, we took his little puppy out for a walk and chatted with some neighbors. I sorta forgot where I was. You know, Hollywood Hills. I felt a kinship with this woman about my age who is about to go to Tibet for 12 weeks on some mission (Hell, people in Berkeley do that all the time right??) and asked her to come over for a glass of wine. She said maybe next time – in a very sweet way – and it wasn’t until I got back to HIS place that I realized, this was an actress who probably thought I was insane.

HE was charming the entire weekend and we clearly like each other. A lot. As he dropped me back off at the airport on Sunday, we once again share a Hollywood style kiss.  We shall see where this bi-coastal friendship will go. Like I said in my earlier post, I’m in no rush.

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Post-note… I wasn’t feeling so hot after so much wine and martini’s that weekend. I was sorta hungover on Sunday. HE sent me a gift afterward… A beautiful luxurious chenille robe to comfort me. I got it last Wednesday, just in time to enjoy while I was suffering a head cold.

Next time, he visits my hood and sees how simply I live. 🙂

A thousand words…

30 Jun

With the divorce underway, and decisions on how we’ll split the assets agreed upon, it was time to put the house up for sale.  The ex did all the heavy lifting with getting the house ready, finding the realtor, and putting it up on the market.  In fact, when it sold, he did all the packing and moving.

He let me take whatever I wanted of course, but naturally, I didn’t want the photo albums of our 23 years together.

So when he said “hey there are a lot of cool pics in there, lets get them converted to digital!” I said “okay!”.  But the catch was, I’d have to get them converted, and he’d pay me half. Sounded reasonable…

Until I sat down with the albums and started going through them. I flipped through page after page of pictures of happier times, viewed through my tear filled eyes. I think I got through 5 pages before taking them back to the garage.

For the past year, I’ve kept one photo of he and I framed and hung on my photo wall. It’s of a time when we were last truly happy. We had just bought our vacation home in the mountains and were golfing that afternoon. We were leaving in a few days to go on a three week trip to Spain. Life was grand back then and we felt blessed for what we had and our future together.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. I suppose that’s true. Maybe one day, I’ll be ready to hear them again. For now, they need to be left in that dusty corridor of my memory for now.

Happier times - thankful for them...

Happier times – thankful for them, but still…

Untying the knot…

26 Jun

After 23 years of marriage, I filed for divorce this past February. Like all before me who’ve done this, at times I feel in equal measures sad, relieved, inspired and scared.

Image

The process is fucking hard. With each document that needs to be filed, it’s like a part of me is being ripped out and laid on the ground for the world to see what a crumpled mess I am.

Ending the marriage opens the door for someone else to walk in – both ways. While I have someone in my life that is amazing and whom I love, the thought of my soon-to-be-ex husband re-marrying bothers me. For reasons I haven’t quite processed through yet.

I’m prepared for the ongoing roller coaster of emotions to wash over me like a tidal wave. And keep reminding myself that as I start over, I don’t leave the parts of me behind that matter, and that includes the parts from my past that are painful, but I know that I get to take the parts of ME that matter. And that’s the point.

2011 in review…

31 Dec

If this was 2011, what the fuck will 2012 have in store?

Fuckety McMutherfucker. Yes, I just said that. And it fits the year in review.

Started out 2011 proclaiming I will rock my inner Xena, not taking shit anymore and fighting with some badass gladiator heels to boot.

I had drinks with a dildo model, started questioning everything, shared a shockingly funny story involving a big ole black dong, got my stilettos posted on a vodka website, went to a charity ski event and table top danced with a hot, young actor, found out some guys think it’s perfectly okay to share erectile dysfunction over morning coffee, told everyone how I got my brother arrested, and how my friend has a dominatrix in the family.

And that was all BEFORE I ran away from home in June.

Since then, I put BoldlyMocking on hiatus and created this blog, as a way to share my rebirth.

So since I left, here’s what’s been going on:

  1. I crashed with Juli for a week
  2. I realized I didn’t just leave my husband, I left my dogs
  3. I started dating the Rockstar
  4. I moved into a room in someone’s house, without a kitchen mind you
  5. I started paying attention to everyday sounds, like traffic, and wind
  6. I realized I didn’t mind killing my own spiders, but I still don’t like it
  7. I decided I was spiritual, if you can call reading my Sagittarius horoscope spiritual
  8. I realized I hate night sweats, and errratic visits from Aunt Flo
  9. I saw my doctor about sharp pains in my head and realized I wasn’t actually crazy
  10. I got lost on a hike and realized it was okay
  11. I decided I didn’t hate cigars
  12. I wanted an urban lifestyle
  13. I decided the urban lifestyle came with drawbacks and homeless people
  14. I moved into a suburban 790 sq foot condo with out-dated appliances
  15. I defended myself against the friends who judged me unfairly
  16. I found out the hubby is dating (and she’s an ‘older-shorter-fluffy-36D-girl’)
  17. I bought some risque “stuff” online and my neighbors received it
  18. I started to find myself despite the chaos
  19. I realized the hubby is still not ready to talk to me not to mention see my face
  20. I decided I quite like that the Rockstar is living on a sailboat in the SF Bay
  21. I moved into a 790 sq foot condo with fanfuckingtastic appliances

Thanksgiving and Christmas were special to me this year. Both were relaxed events, unlike the past and as I laid my head on my Mom’s lap on Christmas night, I felt a sense of peace and calm I can’t remember ever feeling.

I’m still scared. Having been married to the hubby for almost a quarter of a century, every experience feels bittersweet. Even now as I type this, I think back to 1:45p today, when the Rockstar and I were on our way to the cabin and we passed the hubby and his girlfriend. Picture slow-mo heads turning and eyebrows raised.

If I had one word to describe 2011 it would have to be REMARKABLE.

Finding my nemo…

12 Oct

Stealing some inspiration from SingleMomDate, whose last post was a top 10 list to a happier life, I’m gonna do likewise. With the focus of course on how I’m ‘finding me’ 4 months after I split from the hubby.

You see, when I left, my goals were simple: kill my own spiders, figure out what was going to make me happy, take time for me.

The path to enlightenment is not always a straight line. OK, I do kill my own spiders (except for the Daddy Long legs in my shower, cuz he’s waaaaay up in a corner and not bothering me), but I’ve been a bit busy with setting up the new life to figure everything out – yet. Anyhoohaw, here’s what I’ve learned, my top 5 new things about me:

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1. I suck at math

I am pretty enterprising. I can alter my clothes and have a great eye for things that are uneven, but don’t ask me to figure out how to hang something on a wall. Yeah, measure twice and all that bullshit, but the reality is, I have no idea how to divide uneven numbers with fractions. The putty covering my mistakes is proof of that. But while I recognize I suck at math, I now know how to hide a hole in the wall. WINNING.

2. I look for problems

It’s a strength and a weakness, but one that is necessary at work. I have business partners who are dreamers. They want to build the Taj Majal on this website and while that would be perty darned amazeballs, it will take us longer to build than it took Michaelangelo to paint the Sisteen Chapel. What I’ve learned is I’m a good forecaster and I can articulate the problems we’d need to solve. For this, I get gold stars at work. In my personal life, it’s kind of a Debbie Downer. One thing at a time babycakes.

3. I have good taste

When I decorated my big ole house, I consulted with a designer on my color palette. Earth tones and rich hues are my gig. Still are now that my condo is coming together. I’m sitting at my kitchen table (mahogany wood with 4 suede chairs – each a different color: sage, cinnamon, taupe, rust) admiring my flower arrangement which complements my table and the ‘art’ on the wall. The art is a hodge-podge of decorative plates. Yes, plates. I thought my style would be different now that I’m separated from his influences, but in reality, I have realized it was my influence the whole time. I haz good taste.

4. I like the silence

I spend a lot of time with The Rockstar and am finding that waking up early in the morning is good for me. In the past, when I’d wake up (sometimes at 4am and not able to sleep), I’d be restless and angry. And while I don’t have those stressed out early wake up calls anymore, getting up and sitting on my patio, drinking coffee while The Rockstar is sleeping is a sort of peaceful thing for me. I listen to the birds, the breeze through the trees, and reflect on me. So silence is welcome at this stage. *shhhh*

5. I don’t have to do it

I’ve been told I’m like a cat. Easily distracted and gone the next minute. I’m used to getting shit done. Right then. Oooh, laundry is ready to be folded *runs across the room*. Oooh, need to pick up my mail *grabs mail key and runs to the mailroom*. But I’ve found that it’s okay to wait. I don’t have to do everything right now. I want to paint a couple walls here but am allowing myself some time to figure out which ones and what colors. I needed to hang a shelf for my dresser lamps, but it’s okay and can wait. And while the dishes absolutely should be done shortly after using them, it’s okay to let them dry in the rack. That’s what I call learning to live in the moment.

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Thinking about how my life is changing, I expected a big bang *boom* life change. It hasn’t happened. Yes, my living situation changed big bang, but me as a person, it’s happening more slowly. And that’s okay – it’s a bit like sailing I suppose. The journey requires tacking when the wind changes, correcting the course as needed, and not getting hijacked by pirates.

Ummm - Squeeeeee??

I don’t know where this journey will end, how long it will take, or what I’m gonna find along the way.

But for now, I’m just happy to set sail, find my nemo, and live happier ever after.

**I will not be defined or confined. Ever. Again.**

Trying to forget…

11 Sep

On the anniversary of 9/11, while the rest of the country world is remembering the agony of the day, I am choosing to forget.

Not 9/11. Not the fear. But on a more personal level, I’m choosing to let things go. To move forward and life live now.

Reality has an uncanny way of reminding us how fragile we are, so dwelling on the events of a particular action from 10 years ago seems to me to be… well, a bit indulgent.

Now don’t go all getting your panties in a ruffle. I’m relating all of this to my own soul searching recently. I’ve done a pretty good job at NOT dwelling on events from the past – and thank gawd for that – because there are some things that are quite painful and for all of you in therapy, reliving them aint easy.

As I sit here on my patio, listening to Tubby Ted, my upstairs neighbor, cough up his lungs, the only thing I don’t think I’ll be forgetting anytime soon is him.

For the rest, I’ll recall those events and be thankful for all that I have today, and with eyes wide open, I’ll nudge those memories back into a corner. For a while. Because while those events shaped me, they also taught me valuable lessons. And they cannot be unlearned.

History happens every day. But life is short and we have only one of them. I choose to be happy so yes, recall the past as needed, but… Live. Life. Now.