Tag Archives: separation

Lost and undone…

7 Sep

I bought a new paperback book today to take with me to the pool. The back cover was interestingly (and very) close to my life story so I felt compelled to buy it. And sitting in the 100 degree heat, with sweat dripping down parts of my body that didn’t object insomuch as they didn’t appreciate the torment, I sat there reading and reading until I realized I was burning.

The story line should sound familiar enough to many women in their mid forties. Married for 20+ years and along comes a stranger. She wasn’t looking or seeking this stranger, but he was there. Providing distraction, attention, and a little more.

Distraction

The main character of this book married young, and over the course of two decades, grew bored and eventually unhappy with her life. She had no right to complain. She has wealth, two beautiful well-adjusted daughters, and a husband. But one who ignores her. Listens but doesn’t hear her.  Their sex life is predictable. They know where to touch each other and for how long. They barely kiss. It leaves her feeling lonely. She craves passion.

She doesn’t know she’s truly unhappy until she’s offered something else. When she takes it, she doesn’t feel guilty. I never cheated on my husband in that way. I’m a huge flirt and it’s gotten me into trouble in the past, hell, still does, but I must admit that having male admiration has always been a welcome thing. Marriage or not. Maybe it’s a validation I want or need.

The book goes into areas that made me uncomfortable though. The constant checking of the email to see if there’s a new message from her lover. The sending of text messages that go unanswered for too long that leave her feeling doubt and insecurity.

This illicit affair comes with huge prices to pay. She cannot share her marital dissatisfaction. She cannot share this new excitement. She must grieve the losses she faces completely alone. Because she cannot be honest with herself yet.

Another thing that absolutely resonated with me is the distraction. The lack of focus. The inability to even read a book. Cannot concentrate at work. In the two years leading to my separation, I couldn’t watch a movie or read a book. I don’t know how I kept my job. I felt like coming out of my skin. In this book, she refers to it as coming undone. I get it.

Why am I calling this post ‘lost and undone’? It’s because that is what it is. Simple and plain. Ugly truth, but truth nonetheless. You look back, and fondly recall moments in your shared life, and recoil against others. You look ahead and fear the sameness that is before you. Big questions arise like “What if I leave?” “How can I leave?” “Will he/she change?” “Have I changed too much?” It’s unnerving when you finally recognize and begin to ask the painful questions.

I haven’t finished the book yet. I suspect I will before the night is over. I predict she will leave her husband, and she will continue her affair with her lover. But unlike real life, I suspect there’s a happy ending out there for her and her lover. If this were real life, eventually the affair will die. She, like me, simply doesn’t know herself anymore. She’s just a lost soul in search of something she didn’t know she didn’t have until it unraveled.

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A thousand words…

30 Jun

With the divorce underway, and decisions on how we’ll split the assets agreed upon, it was time to put the house up for sale.  The ex did all the heavy lifting with getting the house ready, finding the realtor, and putting it up on the market.  In fact, when it sold, he did all the packing and moving.

He let me take whatever I wanted of course, but naturally, I didn’t want the photo albums of our 23 years together.

So when he said “hey there are a lot of cool pics in there, lets get them converted to digital!” I said “okay!”.  But the catch was, I’d have to get them converted, and he’d pay me half. Sounded reasonable…

Until I sat down with the albums and started going through them. I flipped through page after page of pictures of happier times, viewed through my tear filled eyes. I think I got through 5 pages before taking them back to the garage.

For the past year, I’ve kept one photo of he and I framed and hung on my photo wall. It’s of a time when we were last truly happy. We had just bought our vacation home in the mountains and were golfing that afternoon. We were leaving in a few days to go on a three week trip to Spain. Life was grand back then and we felt blessed for what we had and our future together.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. I suppose that’s true. Maybe one day, I’ll be ready to hear them again. For now, they need to be left in that dusty corridor of my memory for now.

Happier times - thankful for them...

Happier times – thankful for them, but still…

Untying the knot…

26 Jun

After 23 years of marriage, I filed for divorce this past February. Like all before me who’ve done this, at times I feel in equal measures sad, relieved, inspired and scared.

Image

The process is fucking hard. With each document that needs to be filed, it’s like a part of me is being ripped out and laid on the ground for the world to see what a crumpled mess I am.

Ending the marriage opens the door for someone else to walk in – both ways. While I have someone in my life that is amazing and whom I love, the thought of my soon-to-be-ex husband re-marrying bothers me. For reasons I haven’t quite processed through yet.

I’m prepared for the ongoing roller coaster of emotions to wash over me like a tidal wave. And keep reminding myself that as I start over, I don’t leave the parts of me behind that matter, and that includes the parts from my past that are painful, but I know that I get to take the parts of ME that matter. And that’s the point.

With puffy eyes…

13 Aug

Wake up. Exercise. Shower. Cry. Work. Eat. Drink. Cry. Sleep.

Repeat.

18 days ago, my love affair with Rock ended.

Since then, I’ve been trying to cope with this loss. There are moments where I’m completely focused and on my game at work and then there are days like today, where I wake up and start crying in my coffee, feeling lonely and grieving hard. It’s 11:00a and I am so sad today I cannot read my email. I’ve decided to give up, give in to my despair, and go home to my lonely condo.

My  assistant is the best and I am so lucky to have her. She’s rescheduling my day, which is incredibly difficult to do and she’s even going to monitor my emails for critical items requiring my attention. Her name is Venus and she is an absolute goddess. Thank Goddess for her.

I know it won’t always be like this.  I take comfort in the fact that I will start to feel better soon. Maybe I’ll have something to smile about later today, or possibly tomorrow. Or the next day.

My best friend gave me some touch stones over the weekend. Courage, Healing Heart, and Love. Right now, I’m clutching Courage to my aching chest and hoping it won’t fail me again. It’s incredibly difficult to be courageous and start over. She promises me that one day, my heart will heal and I will feel love again.

Today however, I’m just taking it minute by minute. With puffy eyes, a red nose and running mascara.

One year ago…

15 Jun

One year ago, I packed a bag for a weekend. I didn’t know I’d never go back.

One year ago, I officially ran away from home.

From my life. From my husband. From our life. The one that I no longer felt was mine.

After telling the hubby that I didn’t want to be married anymore, we both talked about how we’d get through this. When we came back from Cabo I told him I would be sleeping in the guest room, but that we should continue to work out together in the mornings in our home gym and eat dinner together. More than anything, I craved my space. Since we had a cabin to escape to, he suggested I go there on the weekends so I’d have this space.

I was feeling claustrophobic by this point. I couldn’t breathe. The stress was so heavy and I was so conflicted.

You know, despite everything, this man, my hubby, trying to cope with everything I dumped on him, was doing his very best to give me what he thought I needed. Space. Time apart.

One year ago, I said goodbye to him in the morning as I left. No goodbye kiss. No hug.

Earlier this year, our marriage marked year 25. Yes, 25 years of marriage. Much of it unbelievably happy. This man can make me laugh and was always proud to have me on his arm. Our love and commitment was envied by everyone who knew us, the couple. Somewhere along the way, I don’t know what happened. I just changed. And this change took me away from wanting to be in that life. That life I built with him. The one that grew our business and built our homes and wealth.

One year ago, I walked away and didn’t look back.

Today is a poignant day for me.

I saw him this morning. I picked up the butterball, Sparky, for the weekend. He was still home. There was not a stitch of awkwardness. He showed me his inflamed arm (some sort of kinky infection I imagine *wink*) and we talked about his recent sky diving adventure with his girlfriend and her kids. It was, in fact, two friends quickly catching up.

I don’t know if he knows what today signifies. On our wedding anniversary this year, he texted me “do you know what today is?”. So maybe he does.

One year ago, it all ended. Or imploded. However you want to look at it.

The book of “Steve and Lisa, The Couple” is finished. The sequel, “Steve and Lisa, Friends” is just beginning. Over the past year, we’ve had quite the journey, and each chapter has shown that we continue to move forward, in different and opposite ways, yet still completely connected.

I wouldn’t change this for the world. I love him. Maybe not in the same way that married people need to be in love, but this man has and will mean everything to me for a long time to come. I actually think that my running away was the best thing for both of us. It’s allowed him to find happiness again.

One year ago, I hated myself for hurting him.

And now, one year later, we start anew. This is – the most serendipitous experience.

Now we’re friends…

17 Jan

January 15 was the seven month mark. It’s been seven months since I ran away from home. I haven’t seen or talked to the hubby in person since then.

So we agreed to meet, have a drink, figure out what’s going on. I call this the “temperature check”. Kind of like sticking a dry thermometer up your butt. Painful but will prove how you’re really feeling.

So last night, we met half-way at a restaurant and while initially awkward, we both quickly warmed up to sharing funny stories and laughing. We even toasted “to being friends.” Hell, he even shared some funny stories about his dating experiences.

Leaving our home, our dogs, our life, our friends was hard enough for me. Losing my best friend in the process was downright painful.

I’ve often fantasized that one day, I’ll pick up the dogs and the hubby and I will sit at the kitchen counter, drink a glass of wine, and catch up with the other. I honestly can say that I think this actually may come true.

As we hugged goodbye and he repeated how glad he is that we can be friends, I couldn’t believe my good fortune. As he put it in an email today, it’s like a huge burden has been lifted.

I never meant to hurt him. And now that he’s moving on and yet wants to be friends makes me feel that while we are no longer us (the couple), we can still be us (the friends) – and that’s incredibly special.

2011 in review…

31 Dec

If this was 2011, what the fuck will 2012 have in store?

Fuckety McMutherfucker. Yes, I just said that. And it fits the year in review.

Started out 2011 proclaiming I will rock my inner Xena, not taking shit anymore and fighting with some badass gladiator heels to boot.

I had drinks with a dildo model, started questioning everything, shared a shockingly funny story involving a big ole black dong, got my stilettos posted on a vodka website, went to a charity ski event and table top danced with a hot, young actor, found out some guys think it’s perfectly okay to share erectile dysfunction over morning coffee, told everyone how I got my brother arrested, and how my friend has a dominatrix in the family.

And that was all BEFORE I ran away from home in June.

Since then, I put BoldlyMocking on hiatus and created this blog, as a way to share my rebirth.

So since I left, here’s what’s been going on:

  1. I crashed with Juli for a week
  2. I realized I didn’t just leave my husband, I left my dogs
  3. I started dating the Rockstar
  4. I moved into a room in someone’s house, without a kitchen mind you
  5. I started paying attention to everyday sounds, like traffic, and wind
  6. I realized I didn’t mind killing my own spiders, but I still don’t like it
  7. I decided I was spiritual, if you can call reading my Sagittarius horoscope spiritual
  8. I realized I hate night sweats, and errratic visits from Aunt Flo
  9. I saw my doctor about sharp pains in my head and realized I wasn’t actually crazy
  10. I got lost on a hike and realized it was okay
  11. I decided I didn’t hate cigars
  12. I wanted an urban lifestyle
  13. I decided the urban lifestyle came with drawbacks and homeless people
  14. I moved into a suburban 790 sq foot condo with out-dated appliances
  15. I defended myself against the friends who judged me unfairly
  16. I found out the hubby is dating (and she’s an ‘older-shorter-fluffy-36D-girl’)
  17. I bought some risque “stuff” online and my neighbors received it
  18. I started to find myself despite the chaos
  19. I realized the hubby is still not ready to talk to me not to mention see my face
  20. I decided I quite like that the Rockstar is living on a sailboat in the SF Bay
  21. I moved into a 790 sq foot condo with fanfuckingtastic appliances

Thanksgiving and Christmas were special to me this year. Both were relaxed events, unlike the past and as I laid my head on my Mom’s lap on Christmas night, I felt a sense of peace and calm I can’t remember ever feeling.

I’m still scared. Having been married to the hubby for almost a quarter of a century, every experience feels bittersweet. Even now as I type this, I think back to 1:45p today, when the Rockstar and I were on our way to the cabin and we passed the hubby and his girlfriend. Picture slow-mo heads turning and eyebrows raised.

If I had one word to describe 2011 it would have to be REMARKABLE.