Tag Archives: signs

Moths and flames…

2 Sep

When I filed the final divorce papers, something inside me clicked. It was a very freeing experience; like a physical weight being lifted off my shoulders. I hadn’t even recognized that I was carrying something so heavy around.

This sense of freedom had me a bit undone. It wasn’t just about the ex-hubby however. I started to recognize that my current relationship with Rock wasn’t exactly right anymore.

He subscribes to this blog and I, in no way, want to hurt him. He’d been such a powerful force in my life. I decided I needed to go back to the beginning and ask the hard questions about what it was the drew me so quickly and so completely and what changed for me now.

In the beginning

We met through a mutual friend on Twitter of all places. We struck up an easy rapport via text and discovered we had much in common, from what foods we liked to what we did for a living. Our first phone conversation lasted over 5 hours! When we met in person for the first time, I think I gave it all of 15 seconds before I dove right in and kissed his socks off. The zsa zsa zou was off the freaking charts!

Then things changed

The passion and lust was still there but there were serious problems that lead us to continually break up. I found myself in a horrible pattern of forgiving him, for reasons I will not share here. Each time I took him back, something chipped away at my trust. This lead me to doubt not just him, but me as well. I found myself living in fear that it was only a matter of time before it all imploded again.

Over the early part of the summer, we had several fights that made me question more consciously why it was so easy for me to discard him. I didn’t like that about me but as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I sometimes fail to see the signs and course correct until it’s too late. I knew I was lost once again, and yet, I didn’t know how to go back or how to go forward.

Rinse or Repeat

I created this blog to explore how my suddenly single (after 23 years of marriage) world would be different. Would I continue to make the same mistakes I had made in my marriage? It turns out, with Rock, I made the same mistakes as when I was married. Knowing something wasn’t as it should be and ignoring or not allowing my feelings to be recognized until it was too late.

Breaking up is hard to do – how cliche, but still true. This man loved me with his whole being. When we broke up, he told me he didn’t believe that I ever really loved him. That he felt I held back. I suppose that is very true. I think I did hold back. And if he is reading this post, I hope he knows how very sorry I am.

Chemistry. Zsa zsa zou, intense attraction. Whatever you want to call it, we had it.

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Dangerous allure

Dangerous allure

Recently, I was talking to someone about this mysterious chemistry that attracts one to another. You might meet someone who is beautiful, approach them and find this immediate attraction that makes you want to rip their clothes off. You then meet another equally beautiful person, strike up a conversation and pffft, nothing. Why is that?

People often refer to this intense attraction with the analogy of a moth being drawn to a flame. Moths are compelled toward the light, even to their own demise. I suppose like moths and flames, we are sometimes drawn to something so over-powering, so all consuming, that we don’t recognize how dangerous it will be.

Just get lost…

20 Jul

I love exercise. Basically anything that makes me break a sweat is pure awesomeness. So I made plans to go hiking with someone last Saturday and I said and I quote “I want a long hike.” And for a couple of ironic reasons, I chose Mt. Diablo. I think ‘someone’ may have missed all the irony in the choice…

Anyhoohaw, trouble is I’ve only hiked on Mt. Diablo once. And I think ‘someone’ thought I knew where I was going. Rut roh. I did NOT. But there’s a trail map, so how easy is that?!

I suggested Curry Point, which said it was a moderate hike around 4 miles. Perfect. Not too long, not too short. So we set off to find the trailhead… Of course, the fact I told him to go left (“not Rock City”) and we had to turn the car around should have been indicative of my map reading prowess.

Well we finally get to the trailhead and park the car. Then we both looked at the map.  And then set off without water or trail mix – hell, not even a fresh stick of gum. We started going East on the trail and at some point, we were to hit a sharp left to begin heading back… Well the title of this post is Just Get Lost and that we did.

We didn’t see the sharp left or any sign posts either. When we hiked past a group of grazing cattle I think we both thought “now that’s odd, why would the public be allowed to hike so close to cattle?” However, neither of us thought we read the map wrong.

We fo sho knew we were off the grid when we hit a trailer park and quite literally walked by people’s front doors. Luckily we ran into someone who lived there and asked where the hell we were. Now, this guy is a total idiot. Sans any savant.

Rut roh...

Me: We seem to be a bit lost. We are trying to get back to Curry Point.

Idiot: Well, Morgan Territory road is that way. (Pointing East.)

Me: Oh, I think we’re backward.

Idiot: Have you ever been to Mercury (or whatever the fuck he said – he was referring to another trailhead on Morgan Territory road.)

Me: No, I’m not familiar, but we’re trying to get back to where we parked the car.

Idiot: Well, if you turn left on Morgan Territory you’ll hit Mercury. A lot of people hike there.

Me: Why would I want to go to this trail – the car is at Curry Point.

Idiot: *stares blankly into space*

Me: OK, thanks for your help!

Oh, by the way, he scolded us with “did you not see the signs that said Private Road and Do Not Enter?” Clearly, we hadn’t or we would have been clued in earlier. Which is apropos since I missed “signs” for 10 years… But oh and by the way, going “the other direction” held ALL the signs leading us back to Curry Point and even the famed Do Not Enter signs…

The old me would have whined big time. Pouted and complained. But here’s the thing: the new me took it in stride and saw it as just more time spent hiking with ‘someone’ and being outdoors on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I saw it as an adventure and really didn’t mind sweating like a sticky piglet. Well – maybe I did a little. I am after all, a girl.

The hike ended up around 9 miles and took us a little more than four hours. It was a helluva lot of fun actually and I posit that getting lost is the best way to find yourself.

The Sagittarius woman…

6 Jul

I used to joke when people asked me what my astrological sign is. Instead of answering, I’d mock “Closed For Repairs” or “Caution, Curves Ahead”.

Except I’ve really been giving it a lot of thought lately. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been paying much attention to myself over the last ten or so years. Maybe it’s because I’ve always believed life isn’t just what we have in the here and now, and that I really was shot in the back with an arrow back in the 1700s. Or something like that.

Either way, I hadn’t looked at the personality traits of my sun sign since I was a wee gurl. Way before I got hitched. So in my quest to know a little bit more about me, I read up on my sign. Kinda prophetic since I had been ignoring all sorts of signs for a long time. But reading about the traits of Sagittarius women resonated very much with me.

I do love tattoos...

“Freedom is so important to Sagittarius that they will actually make decisions based on the amount of freedom that is given by the choice they have made, as a result, sometimes a good opportunity is turned down because of it’s high commitment… They have a vibrant, expansive personality that is free like a bird… full of curiosity… but if she gets unhappy or bored, she won’t bother to fix any problems, she will just walk out and never look back…”

Holy shit. How the hell did they know this about me and I totally forgot? For those of you who know me even a little, doesn’t this sound just a bit familiar?!?

But what does this refreshed understanding of my sign mean to me today as a suddenly separated woman intent on figuring out my life? I’m not sure. I mean earlier this year I thought I was an Ophiuchus. Then I thought the axis shift meant that most Sag’s and Cap’s were now in the same bucket. Who really knows. What I do believe is that the typical traits in the standard Sag woman remind me of the girl I used to be. And it means I’m one step closer to being truer to myself. And that’s pretty damned empowering.