Tag Archives: The Hubby

It’s judgment day…

14 Aug

Although the ex-hubby and I have acquired a lot of property and assets (and debts), we agreed early on about how we would split the goods. And because we’ve been friendly during this whole time, we decided to forego mediators or divorce attorneys. After all, I’m very good at filling out forms, right?! I mean, how hard could it be to check some boxes, document the decisions, and be done with it?

California law mandates that a divorce cannot be final until a minimum of six months and one day has passed. In my mind, that felt like a short amount of time – but also like I had a lot of time! I should have kept a log of how many times I visited the court. How many hours I spent sitting on a hard bench waiting for my number to be called. How many times I had to amend my amended documents.

Now I understand why people hire others to do that shit for them. I’m wicked smart, but oh good gawd, did I make mistakes! This whole process also has also been more of an after thought for me – I agreed to do all of the paperwork and out of respect, I moved the process along as fast as my busy schedule would allow.

So I was surprised by what happened today. Since I filed all the right documents after countless tries, I was eligible to go to the court today and attend a workshop that would help me finish the process. Two hours with someone who would guide me through the right boxes to check – how easy would that be?

Actually, it was very easy – what was hard was sitting in a room hearing the other petitioners feeling joy over their upcoming freedom dates. The facilitator actually filled out a “cheat sheet” for each of us, identifying significant facts, like the date we filed, the date we separated, whether we had agreements or disputes. When I looked down and saw the date she wrote for me, for my judgment date, I choked up. Then I started tearing up. I didn’t have any tissue and there was none around. I mean, I guess they wouldn’t have tissue in this room, because after all, most petitioners are relieved and excited about being ‘free’.

I took my glasses off, carefully, but not surreptitiously, wipes the tears away from my eyes. I refused to look around and see if anyone was looking at me. I didn’t want to spoil their happiness with my sorrow.

I left him.

I chose this.

I didn’t want to be married anymore.

So why was I so upset? I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m still not ready for it to be over. Knowing that my last bond with such a wonderful man will end soon. Sooner than I thought.  And then what? Is he really out of my life? Weird how I’m looking forward to all the aftermath paperwork of title transfers, quit claims, and whatever else is needed to finish the process. Having been married to him for so long, I guess I want to prolong the inevitable.

Tomorrow, we will meet and sign our marital settlement agreement. It’ll be the last time I see him before he is free. I am not ready to think of myself as free, because my ghosts haunt me.

Judgment day is expected to be next Thursday, August 22. Or as I am now thinking of it: D-Day.Happily never after

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A thousand words…

30 Jun

With the divorce underway, and decisions on how we’ll split the assets agreed upon, it was time to put the house up for sale.  The ex did all the heavy lifting with getting the house ready, finding the realtor, and putting it up on the market.  In fact, when it sold, he did all the packing and moving.

He let me take whatever I wanted of course, but naturally, I didn’t want the photo albums of our 23 years together.

So when he said “hey there are a lot of cool pics in there, lets get them converted to digital!” I said “okay!”.  But the catch was, I’d have to get them converted, and he’d pay me half. Sounded reasonable…

Until I sat down with the albums and started going through them. I flipped through page after page of pictures of happier times, viewed through my tear filled eyes. I think I got through 5 pages before taking them back to the garage.

For the past year, I’ve kept one photo of he and I framed and hung on my photo wall. It’s of a time when we were last truly happy. We had just bought our vacation home in the mountains and were golfing that afternoon. We were leaving in a few days to go on a three week trip to Spain. Life was grand back then and we felt blessed for what we had and our future together.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. I suppose that’s true. Maybe one day, I’ll be ready to hear them again. For now, they need to be left in that dusty corridor of my memory for now.

Happier times - thankful for them...

Happier times – thankful for them, but still…

One year ago…

15 Jun

One year ago, I packed a bag for a weekend. I didn’t know I’d never go back.

One year ago, I officially ran away from home.

From my life. From my husband. From our life. The one that I no longer felt was mine.

After telling the hubby that I didn’t want to be married anymore, we both talked about how we’d get through this. When we came back from Cabo I told him I would be sleeping in the guest room, but that we should continue to work out together in the mornings in our home gym and eat dinner together. More than anything, I craved my space. Since we had a cabin to escape to, he suggested I go there on the weekends so I’d have this space.

I was feeling claustrophobic by this point. I couldn’t breathe. The stress was so heavy and I was so conflicted.

You know, despite everything, this man, my hubby, trying to cope with everything I dumped on him, was doing his very best to give me what he thought I needed. Space. Time apart.

One year ago, I said goodbye to him in the morning as I left. No goodbye kiss. No hug.

Earlier this year, our marriage marked year 25. Yes, 25 years of marriage. Much of it unbelievably happy. This man can make me laugh and was always proud to have me on his arm. Our love and commitment was envied by everyone who knew us, the couple. Somewhere along the way, I don’t know what happened. I just changed. And this change took me away from wanting to be in that life. That life I built with him. The one that grew our business and built our homes and wealth.

One year ago, I walked away and didn’t look back.

Today is a poignant day for me.

I saw him this morning. I picked up the butterball, Sparky, for the weekend. He was still home. There was not a stitch of awkwardness. He showed me his inflamed arm (some sort of kinky infection I imagine *wink*) and we talked about his recent sky diving adventure with his girlfriend and her kids. It was, in fact, two friends quickly catching up.

I don’t know if he knows what today signifies. On our wedding anniversary this year, he texted me “do you know what today is?”. So maybe he does.

One year ago, it all ended. Or imploded. However you want to look at it.

The book of “Steve and Lisa, The Couple” is finished. The sequel, “Steve and Lisa, Friends” is just beginning. Over the past year, we’ve had quite the journey, and each chapter has shown that we continue to move forward, in different and opposite ways, yet still completely connected.

I wouldn’t change this for the world. I love him. Maybe not in the same way that married people need to be in love, but this man has and will mean everything to me for a long time to come. I actually think that my running away was the best thing for both of us. It’s allowed him to find happiness again.

One year ago, I hated myself for hurting him.

And now, one year later, we start anew. This is – the most serendipitous experience.

One last night…

8 Mar

It’s been 9 months since the hubby and I split. We didn’t however split our financial expenses until this week. We spent the last month negotiating who would pay for what and finally agreed. So now he’s got his own checking account, his own credit cards and his share of our obligations. It’s time. It’s our time to move on.

It was a bittersweet meet-n-greet on Tuesday to finalize that. We spent 30 minutes making sure we captured everything, then the next hour drinking cocktails and talking about the future.

We chatted about the new people in our life, gossiped a little about people we know, and then we talked about Buddy. This is our 16-year old Yorkie. I’ve had both of our dogs for the last 4 weekends and I’ve noticed such a marked change in Buddy that we talked again about euthanasia. It wasn’t a new conversation, but it hurts every time to talk about it. The selfish parts of us don’t want to let him go. The pragmatic side knows he’s just hanging on to this life. He doesn’t eat his dog food anymore, he can’t keep his dog treats down, and he doesn’t know where he is. Our vet told us that when his quality of life diminishes to the point where he no longer wants to be with us, that’s when it’s time to make that appointment.

My sweet little Buddy

It’s time. It’s his time to move on. To be greeted by Spike and Nikki, our other beloved pets who will surely be waiting with tails wagging and big doggie smiles to greet and welcome Buddy to the meadow.

With heavy hearts, we set the date with the vet. It’ll be tomorrow, Friday. I’m meeting the ex in a few hours to take Buddy and Sparticus to my place for one last night together. I want to be strong and not some weepy girl, but I am just a puddle of tears about all the change that’s going on.

I don’t have a pithy point to this post. No earth shattering self-realization. No correlation between what I’m experiencing and my past life. I’m just putting computer ink on computer post paper.

For my sweet little Buddy – you are loved and cherished and I thank you with all my heart for the 16 devoted years you loved me.

For my dog loving friends – a few quotes to remind us all why dogs are so revered…

My little dog – a heartbeat at my feet.  ~Edith Wharton

Happiness is a warm puppy.  ~Charles M. Schulz

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies.  ~Gene Hill

Full of hope…

24 Feb

So the hubby and I are finally, after 8 months, splitting the expenses and some of the income. Yep, we’ve maintained joint checking, savings and credit cards, which was uber-fun during the holidays to see various expenditures he made for his girlfriend. You know, at places like Victoria’s Secret and Lingerie.com.

Of course, nothing could prepare me to actually seeing the lingerie in the flesh so to speak – my bad, I should never have gone into the spare bathroom that day.

Fade to black…

All the travel sized toiletries are kept in the spare bathroom. Since I started traveling again, I decided to raid the coffers at the house. As I enter the bathroom, the counter is littered with bags filled with all sorts of goodies, from lingerie, to cologne, to fur lined boots and jacket.

How do I know this you ask? I freaking peeked of course. I am after all, a GIRL. I really hope his girlfriend likes the lingerie and stuffz that I bought her.

So this had me step up and push a bit harder to separate our money – and this reminded me… WE HAD MONEY STUFFED INTO THE MATTRESS. Well, not the mattress, but hidden in the attic. Bingo!! Time to divvy the greenbacks.

At the same time, we both agreed, it’s time we used some of the Amex rewards points. Might as well 🙂

So the hubby decided to use some of his points on a fancy trip. But he needed more points than his portion provided. Aha! He asks me to sell him my points. Sure thing I told him, if he wants to give me some cash from his portion of the funds from the attic, I’m all in!

So last week, he came by with a wad of Franklin’s and I decide now is the time to get that new tattoo I said I’d get once things got stable post break-up.

Mine is prettier though 🙂

And I did! A 3″ Zibu Angelic symbol representing Hope.

You see, I am hopeful. And grateful too (but there was no symbol for gratitude or I would have done that.) The hubby and I are friends. We have laughed together and share a history and hopefully a future. Not as a couple, of course, but as good friends.

I have lots of hope. For health, wealth, happiness, friendship. Oh and for a pair of Louboutin’s and shiny hair. Because I am after all, a GIRL.